blank slate

I have so many thoughts and ideas in my heart that I want to put on here. Several times a day I think " I need to blog about that or I want to share this with others etc."

Then something happens. I click on my blog to update a post and I draw a blank. It's not that I cannot remember what it is I want to share it is that I have lost the desire to do so. I still think that it is important or funny or valuable it is just that something is stopping me.

I struggle with all things hidden. It is not like I have some outward addiction where people can count how many drinks I have or see damage done to my body by using substances frequently. It is the hidden problems that that remain unseen. Pride, selfishness, lack of follow through, and comparison. Not every day and not every week but they are there, lurking in the background.

This morning I woke up feeling tangled up in all of those plus a few more. When I was younger my mom rented a movie for me, Gidget and I loved it. I loved the clothes and hairstyles and the technicolor goodness of old fashioned life. There is a scene in the beginning where Gidget gets tangled up in kelp out in the ocean in an effort to show a group of people that she can  "fit in" with them. Now, I could draw all sorts of comparisons to that in my real life (both present and past) but instead I just wanna say that is how I felt this morning. Like all the hidden stuff was drowning me. There was just this heaviness around me.  An outsider could look at my life and say "how is that possible? You have so much? A family that loves you, a home that is safe and sound, a good job etc." Nonetheless it was still there.

So I sat down in my favorite chair and wrote in my journal. I wrote to Jesus. I told him how I felt and that I need His help. I wrote out promises of God's love for me and tried to remind myself of how He see's me and wants me to be.

On my way to work I had my windows rolled down and my music playing loudly. As I was driving and singing loudly a memory flashed in my mind.  One of me in high school driving around in my car with my windows down and my music playing loudly. Thinking I was so cool listening to Bloodhound Gang on tape.

And He reminded me of what He has done for me.

Fast forward ten years and I am driving in my car with my windows down and my music playing loudly. And instead of songs full of angst,sex and obscenities I am listening to words that lift up Jesus and declare His Glory and our good. I am revived by those truths and by the relationship I have with Him. My breath was taken away.  I couldn't believe that he would bring to my mind an isolated memory that only the Lord and I shared of me as a mixed up teenager. It was really awesome and so personal.

I know this is kind of a mixed up post - to whoever may read it but it is my heart right now.

I feel as if I am going through a refining process of sorts and on the verge of something. I feel like I am being pulled this way and that way and trying really hard to just stay close to Him.

A shepherd looks at Psalm 23

I borrowed a book from my gram. It is rocking my world right now. It is called "A shepherd looks at Psalm 23" by Phillip Keller.

Maybe I am like last on the train to read this book and discover Christ's unique character through it but if you haven't heard of it check it out. It is an old book, one that is yellowed with age but holds truth in it that I have never known before.

It was written by a man who grew up in Africa herding sheep. He takes the famous psalm written by David and breaks it down from a shepherds perspective. I have only gotten through the first chapter but it is really teaching me a lot.

Here a few things that have jumped out at me:
"Many who either read or study the Scriptures in the 20th century come from an urban, man-made environment. They are often unfamiliar with such subjects as livestock, crops, and fruit etc. They miss much of the truth taught in God's word because they are not familiar with such things as sheep, wheat, soil or grapes."

"Our view of Him is often too small--- too cramped--too provincial--to human. And because it we feel unwilling to allow Him to have authority or control--much less outright ownership of our lives."

Talking about David's proclamation 'The LORD is my shepherd':  " after all, he knew from firsthand experience that the lot in life of any particular sheep depend on the type of man who owned it. Some men were gentle, kind, intelligent, brae and selfless in their devotion to their stock. Under one man sheep would struggle, starve and suffer endless hardship. In another's care they would flourish and thrive contentedly."

" His ownership of me as a human being is legitimate----simply because it is He who brought me into being and no one is better to able to understand or care for me"

I am so enjoying these truths as I read about our Lord the Good Shepherd.

how i love thee

jesus is so gracious. so so so gracious. HE is why i breathe.

i am so so so imperfect. i am so mixed up and messed up. i was dead. i was really dead.

now i am alive. i am ALIVE. only by HIM can i breathe. i can breathe.

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

2 Peter 1: 3

seasons of life

I read a quote today that said " childhood is the most beautiful of all of life's seasons" (anonymous) and I started thinking about the different "seasons" of my life.  It is amazing to think of how different each season has been for me as I have grown up and become no longer a girl but a woman. If I am honest with myself (and you) I still to prefer to call myself a girl because woman seems old and mature but in reality I am a woman. When I was a girl I thought about myself mainly. I didn't see very far beyond my own needs and wants. I was given many opportunities to serve others in the name of Jesus and that absolutely speared me on towards living as a woman who saw others rather than just self.  I thought about cute clothes and boys and what others thought of me. I had a hard time imagining myself with a husband or with a child and the thought of buying a house seemed scary.

I still think buying/selling a house is scary. I still want to wear cute clothes and I worry sometimes about how others see me. However, I know that I married the best man God had for me and that being a mom was my destiny. I think back on the hours that I prayed to God and worried about what I was going to "major" in or do with my life and now I know. I am going to be a mom. Part time to students on a daily basis who struggle with reading and math and behavior issues but also full time to my own child who I love and adore a million times more than myself. I know that saving money and working with what I have in my closet is more valuable and important than wearing the worlds cutest pair of skinny jeans. I know that giving up what I want is way harder but so worth it. I used to have anxiety about how others saw my outward appearance and now I really only care about how my heart looks.

I used to pray all the time that God would mold me into the woman of God he created me to be and I finally am beginning to believe and see that He is doing just that.

**picture of Ariccia, Italy where I spent the summer of 2004 learning and loving all things Italian

I learned two things last night

In an effort to be transparent (because why not? in a world where people play pretend and wear masks, let this place not be just another place for dress up and false security) I will share two things that I learned last night about myself.

1. I need better (i.e. healthier) ways to cope with stress and disappointment.

2. I cannot serve both God and Money. I know the verse like I know the back of my own hand but yet, I am still trying to learn the lesson.

It is so hard. It is hard for me. Its easy for me to feel secure because of a number in my bank account or a pay check. It is hard for me to let ALL my hope be in Jesus Christ alone. He knows that. We talk about it, and he is gently teaching me but it is not an easy lesson to learn. My heart is willing by my flesh is so weak. Just this Sunday our pastor spoke truth to me (even though i did not know it at the time). He was talking about having HOPE in Jesus Christ and he gave lots of examples of where people find their hope. In their marriage, in their job status/title, in their home, in their bank account, in the future etc. Little did I know that the Holy Spirit would reveal in just a few short days that my hope is in the wrong place. Not ALL my hope mind you, but a good portion of it.

Good thing that God is bigger than me and bigger than my mistakes and mess ups. Good thing that when you ask for something in Jesus name that it will be given to you - and I know what my heart truly wants is in align with his good and pleasing perfect will. I can HOPE in that this morning.

police, cheesecake,and diapers

Last week was quite a week. Some adjectives to describe the week I had would be: busy, fun, long, short, scary, confusing, enjoyable, encouraging, loving, happy.

It all started on Thursday. If you have ever ridden in the car with me you know I am not afraid to use my horn. It was built into the car for a good reason is my philosophy. Now, I am not someone who randomly honks at other drives just because they don't turn on their turn signal but I will use my horn when someone cuts me off, veers into my lane or is sitting at a red light for a looooooooooooooooong time. I am sorry if those kind of people annoy you or cause you to roll your eyes but yes I am one of them.

.....anyways I was driving home from work and this car pulled out in front of me going about 20 mph. I was going about 50 (speed limit) so it was first dangerous and then secondly annoying. So I honked my horn. I might have layed on my horn a little too. When I could I passed the driver and went on my merry way. Except he was really mad. He didn't like that I honked my horn at him. Not one bit. So he pulled up beside me and started screaming at me, throwing his hands in the air, getting in front of me and slowing way down so I was forced to go the same speed limit. I was starting to get a little worried and in fact fearful as we pulled up to a stop light. Allen told me to call the police so that is what I did. I had to file a police report etc. It made the afternoon more hectic than I would have liked but I am okay and I really hope that angry driver man gets some help before he has another freak out on the road.

Friday night I celebrated a big birthday for one of my best friends. I met some new people and really had a great time getting to know them. We stayed out LATE and ate cheesecake and sang happy birthday. It was so much fun.

Saturday morning molly woke us up earlier than normal crying and crying. I think we drifted in and out of sleep for about 15 minutes before we actually went to get her. As I picked her up out of her crib I noticed that she was soaking wet so I took her to her changing table to put on a fresh diaper and pajamas. Well apparently she stored up all her peeing for nighttime and made her diaper explode. Have you ever seen the stuff that is inside the diaper? It is impossible to get off of a sticky, cold, screaming baby. Allen and I both were barely awake trying to figure out how to remedy the situation. I felt so stupid. Haha all part of the job title I suppose. We eventually ended up putting her in the bathroom sink with warm water and a washcloth. All before 7am. Yippie!

Besides all of that - molly is cutting her two top teeth and I am just hoping and praying that she doesn't look like a rabbit. She is walking more and talking up a storm and it is PURE JOY to my heart. Allen and I had a great weekend being married and trying to help each other out more by really paying attention to each other's needs and concerns. I got to take a nap when Molly napped on Sunday and talk to a dear friend who lives in Italy. I had the freedom to worship Jesus on Sunday night and to love on my neighbors and a stranger at goodwill. It was a fantastic weekend and I am so so so thankful that we had Monday off!

he is the MOST personal God

Do you know how personal God is? Incredibly. Sometimes I forget this little known fact about Him and he kindly reminds me.

Take yesterday morning for example. I had the opportunity to take 10 minutes before I left the house and pour over Psalm 23.  A verse that I had never really paid much attention to before stood out to me. Verse 5 says "you annoit my head with oil; my cup overflows." I asked God to make that true of me that day. I asked Him to write His words on my heart and to allow His word to not stay inside me but because of  the overflow, pour out.

One the way to work I felt a little nudge from the Holy Spirit and decided to call a sweet friend to see if I could pray for her or encourage her in anyways. I almost didn't because I was so afraid that it might come off the wrong way like it was all about me or something.

Turns out that phone call was completely in the Lords plans. At 8 o'clock on a random weekday morning she answered the phone in need of some encouragement. It was so awesome! I just can't get over how God united us with Him in that moment. It wasn't about me trying to do something nice it was about the Lord knowing one of his children was in need and asking another child to help out. After our conversation had ended I was in awe. It was so awesome to say to the Lord "use me, i am here, i am yours, help me say yes more than i say no today" and then less than one hour later the Lord said "oh, you want me to use you? okay that's awesome, call your friend, tell you love her and ask her if you can pray for her. it is for my namesake, it is for my glory."

He is so personal. SO personal. I hope I believe this more and more about Him and that I continue to say yes to Him more than I say no.

Today is an important day

Today is an important day. January 11 is Human Trafficking awareness day. Last year January 11 was just January 11th. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing important - at least nothing that I can remember.

But now I know. I can't stand by and do nothing. I have to say something.

Its more than a blockbuster movie with Hollywood stars. Its more than a billboard or a poster you might see. It is real life. Not for me, and not for you but for someone who is just as valuable and important.

Lately I have been scouring the A21 website trying to absorb all the amazing information that they have put at our fingertips. Over my Christmas break from work I was able to hear Christine Caine speak at the Passion 2012 conference. I have never in my entire life heard such a dynamic speaker. The Holy Spirit was definitely speaking through her to the 42,000 + that attended the conference that afternoon. She heads up the A21 campaign which you can like up with right ------------ > HERE

One statement that was repeated over and over was " Ignorance is not an option" and you know, it really isn't. We live in such an "all access" world. Information, news, resources are all available with a click of a button. Most friends and family I know have the Internet literally in the palm of their hands so why don't people take advantage of it?

in awe.

1st John 2:1


I write this, dear children, to guide you out of sin. But if anyone does sin, we have a Priest-Friend in the presence of the Father: Jesus Christ, righteous Jesus. When he served as a sacrifice for our sins, he solved the sin problem for good—not only ours, but the whole world's.
 
I was just reading this and I had to stop and share. I mean do you understand that? That GOD loves the WHOLE WIDE WORLD?!! The past, present, and future? All of those people?? I mean if you stop and think about it it just amazing. He loves the students that I teach, he has always known them. He loves the lady at Chickfila who served me my coffee this morning. He loves the the orphan and he loves the old. He loves the student with behavior problems just as much as he loves the student who walks across to accept an award for AB honor roll. I know the verse is talking about SACRIFICE but you don't sacrifice without love.
You don't give up, give away or let go of something that you don't care about. A sacrifice is something that you give up for someone or something else. God gave up his one and only son. one. just one. for me and for my students and for the people in India or Africa or Belize that i will never ever meet.
 
it's a struggle for me to want to give up an hour of my weekend time with molly to volunteer at church. that is one hour. i cannot fathom giving up her LIFE for someone else who lied, or stole, or had an affair or the list goes on. her life is precious. every single second. so was jesus life. but his life ended so mine could go on forever. and anyone else who chooses to place their faith and trust in God alone.
 
all i can say is thank you to jesus and to god the father. glory in the highest to you lord.

try a little harder

i realized on sunday that i have to try a little harder.

that jesus said things would be hard. that it is not a promise that every day will be easy.

one area that i need to try a little harder, is loving even when i don't feel like it.

even when i feel like the other person needs to grow up/get over it/deal with it.

i am supposed to respond in love. why? because jesus does every single day even when

i need to grow up/get over it/ deal with it.

what does it mean to you?

what does the word church mean to you?

i was sitting in my church yesterday morning and i started thinking about that word.

sometimes i don't like that word because i feel like nowadays there is such a watered down version

when i think/hear of the word church i think of a lot of different things

i think of jesus

i think of my home church i grew up in

i think of home and of the sunday school leaders that loved me and helped grow me in my faith

i think of the world wide church

i think of my church now, pcc that is amazing and life giving

i think of church as a safe place

but as i sat there on sunday fully tuned into the Lord i realized that church is all those things

but

most importantly it is a place that helps me remember. remember that i am so loved

that i am never forgotten or left behind

i am a part of god's long arching story

and that

is

amazing

i want to...

i want to do so much more than I am doing now.

I want to know the Lord so much more than I do now.

I want to be so much more than I am now.

I want molly to know that she was chosen before time began and has always been loved.

I want her to thing of her future as shiny and bright and full of opportunites.

I want her to travel the world, to make good lasting friendships and to believe in Jesus.

I hope that I can model those things for her. I hope that the Lord will help me die to myself because otherwise, she won't learn a whole lot from me.

Because this morning I had to ask God to help me not value fortune, or things, or popularity. I had to tell Him its hard not to want those things.

Its awesome living on this earth. Last night I might not have said that. This morning on my way into work I might not have thought that. But right now, right here I believe that. Because living on this earth is so easy. It's so easy to  buy into temptation and its so easy to not ask Jesus for help. Its so easy to be in the drivers seat and to forget to pray. But I believe that is the beauty of it. Because if it was all easy then it wouldn't be different. It wouldn't be a challenge. You wouldn't see growth. I wouldn't see the fruit of the hard work, the discipline and the change.

God is good all the time. All the time God is good. the end.