blank slate

I have so many thoughts and ideas in my heart that I want to put on here. Several times a day I think " I need to blog about that or I want to share this with others etc."

Then something happens. I click on my blog to update a post and I draw a blank. It's not that I cannot remember what it is I want to share it is that I have lost the desire to do so. I still think that it is important or funny or valuable it is just that something is stopping me.

I struggle with all things hidden. It is not like I have some outward addiction where people can count how many drinks I have or see damage done to my body by using substances frequently. It is the hidden problems that that remain unseen. Pride, selfishness, lack of follow through, and comparison. Not every day and not every week but they are there, lurking in the background.

This morning I woke up feeling tangled up in all of those plus a few more. When I was younger my mom rented a movie for me, Gidget and I loved it. I loved the clothes and hairstyles and the technicolor goodness of old fashioned life. There is a scene in the beginning where Gidget gets tangled up in kelp out in the ocean in an effort to show a group of people that she can  "fit in" with them. Now, I could draw all sorts of comparisons to that in my real life (both present and past) but instead I just wanna say that is how I felt this morning. Like all the hidden stuff was drowning me. There was just this heaviness around me.  An outsider could look at my life and say "how is that possible? You have so much? A family that loves you, a home that is safe and sound, a good job etc." Nonetheless it was still there.

So I sat down in my favorite chair and wrote in my journal. I wrote to Jesus. I told him how I felt and that I need His help. I wrote out promises of God's love for me and tried to remind myself of how He see's me and wants me to be.

On my way to work I had my windows rolled down and my music playing loudly. As I was driving and singing loudly a memory flashed in my mind.  One of me in high school driving around in my car with my windows down and my music playing loudly. Thinking I was so cool listening to Bloodhound Gang on tape.

And He reminded me of what He has done for me.

Fast forward ten years and I am driving in my car with my windows down and my music playing loudly. And instead of songs full of angst,sex and obscenities I am listening to words that lift up Jesus and declare His Glory and our good. I am revived by those truths and by the relationship I have with Him. My breath was taken away.  I couldn't believe that he would bring to my mind an isolated memory that only the Lord and I shared of me as a mixed up teenager. It was really awesome and so personal.

I know this is kind of a mixed up post - to whoever may read it but it is my heart right now.

I feel as if I am going through a refining process of sorts and on the verge of something. I feel like I am being pulled this way and that way and trying really hard to just stay close to Him.